Dear Mr. David William Donald Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, First Lord of the Treasury, Minister for the Civil Service and Leader of the Conservative Party,
This is just a little note to say thank you for inviting me to the party at your house last Wednesday. It was a real treat, and something I’m sure I won’t forget in a long time.
I am a great supporter of gay rights (what with being gay and all) and I very much appreciated your speech outlining the many steps towards equality that the previous government had set in motion and which you have very kindly decided not to scrap since taking office. It was lovely to hear that your government is conducting quite a big survey of transgendered people and is thinking about gay marriage equality. It warms the cockles of my heart to think that my right to marry is being ‘thought about’ by some of the biggest heads in the land.
I must say, and I hope you do not think this rude, but I was a little bit disappointed with the party bags. They weren’t actually little plastic bags with pictures of balloons on and they didn’t seem to contain any Chupa Chup lollies or party blowers. However, the booklet entitled Working for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Equality: Moving Forward was a riveting read. For your next party, though, I’d recommend popping down to Asda to take a look at their party supplies aisle. Their shiny hats are very reasonable and I’m sure you could easily find a bit of bunting to spruce up that old portrait of Elizabeth I that you’ve got over the fireplace. I do not wish to appear ungrateful, however, and I must say how impressed I was with the quality of the aforementioned booklet, given out in lieu of the Fruit Salad chews and modelling balloons. It’s really comforting to see that, despite the current economic climate and cuts to public services, the government still recognises the importance of using the finest quality shiny paper and high-grade colour printing in every document it produces. It made reading the booklet on the tube home an absolute treat and made me, I believe, quite the envy of the carriage.
One final point on the booklet: it was pleasing to see that, as part of the detailed timeline of action points that your government is setting out to help our country ‘move forwards’ towards gay equality, you haven’t tied yourself down to an end date on your commitment towards civil marriage equality, preferring to leave it as ‘ongoing’. It is reflective of your generous nature that you are not attempting to hog all of the limelight on this equality issue and are making sure that there will still be some things left for the governments of our children and our children’s children to tackle.
I must say that you have a beautiful home. Who would have thought that it was so big behind that shiny front door of yours? And who would have thought you could manage with only one guest toilet? It was so kind of you to put all of those portraits of former prime ministers on the wall to give your 200 guests something to look at whilst queuing for the lavatory. By the way, the picture of Gordon Brown was a bit wonky, so I straightened it up for you.
I couldn’t write to you without commenting on the canapés, which were simply out of this world. It was such a breath of fresh air to see someone forego the usual range of finger food that is traditionally served at such parties, and to opt instead for three bowls of the same dish. And, I’m sure you’ll agree, carrot sticks and cocktail sausages are two foodstuffs that simply not enough people think to serve together these days.
Well, I’d better wrap this letter up here as I know you’ve got lots to be getting on with. I hope you enjoyed your party for gay people. It can be a real bind, I know, when you spend ages organising a party, write all of the invites, lick all of the envelopes, organise the entertainment and then can only stay for 10 minutes. But, don’t worry, Dave, I’d like to reassure you that we had a lovely time after you’d left.
So thanks once again and thanks for all you said is being thought about by your government in the area of gay equality. You might like to know I’m thinking of voting Lib Dem next time around.
P.S. It wasn’t me who broke the toilet.