Awfully Wedded

Dear Mr. Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, Washington DC, USA,

I am writing to you because I have just stumbled, quite accidentally, upon your response to the news that a Senate panel has passed the repeal of the Defence of Marriage Act, which might lead to a situation in which many homosexual couples in certain states of the United States do not have their marriages declared illegal and may even lead to a situation in which same-sex couples end up having the same rights as married straight couples.

I read your response as part of a CNN article, which, sadly, only included a few choice quotes.  I’m sure, if I could find it, your full response would be much more detailed and full of interesting, well-researched and entirely balanced facts, like the article you wrote in July of this year about the shocking treatment of Christian counsellors and psychologists in the US who go out of their way to offer ‘sexual orientation change efforts’ (SOCE) out of the goodness of their hearts, only to receive a bad press from homosexual groups and professional bodies, such as the American Psychological Association.  Despite not having your complete response, I was able to glean a lot from the quotes included in the article.  I think the one that struck me the most was the following:

“Marriage is not some prize that liberals can award to a small, vocal and already well-off special interest group…Marriage between one man and one woman was created prior to the formation of any governments and is given benefits because it uniquely contributes to a productive society.”

I am sure you are proud of your assertion that marriage is not a prize that can simply be dished out willy-nilly to any Tom, Dick or Elton by the people who God has ordained to be in charge of the distribution of rights (such as yourself).  As we all know, there are only so many rights to go around and if we start handing them out to everybody, we’ll soon run out.  How wise it is, therefore, to keep them all for yourself and only give them out sparingly to those you deem to be worthy of them.

It was very clever of you to point out, towards the end of your first sentence, that homosexuals,  because they are a small and vocal group of people, do not, in fact, deserve the right to marry.  It is a well-known fact that any group that is small and/or vocal is not entitled to any rights whatsoever, let alone rights equal to those of upstanding Bible-believing Christians (such as yourself).  Look what happened when they gave women equal rights – they became equal citizens.  Shocking.

Most striking in the above quote is your reassertion of the fact that marriage should only be between one man and one woman because all of the marriages in the Bible are between men and women.  If God had wanted men to marry men and women to marry women he would have put gay characters in the Bible and they would have married, or, at the very least, had a civil partnership.  As it is, however, there are no gay marriages in the Bible so gay marriage must be sinful.  It’s a simple logic, almost as simple, some might say, as that of a child or a one-celled amoeba without the capacity for reasonable thought (not me, of course), but you stand by it firmly even at the risk of looking like a total idiot.  Well done you.

Finally, I would like to thank you for making it clear that marriage between one man and one woman has made society the positive and productive place it is today.  If we allowed the gays to marry, goodness knows what kind of dysfunctionality we might end up with – high levels of divorce and sham celebrity marriages solely for the purposes of publicity are but two of the horrors that might occur and which you would never catch straight people getting involved in.  Much better to leave the sanctity of marriage to people who know how to do it best (such as yourself, Kim Kardashian and Katie Price).

In conclusion, thank you once again for your robust response to the spectre of equal rights for gays.  Should I ever marry the man of my dreams, I’ll make sure not to rub it in your face (too much) as I’d hate to think I might, by declaring my love for a fellow human being, offend you.

Yours (but not in that way),


P.S. Isn’t it ironic that you share the same name as the incredibly handsome Tony Perkins who played the lead role in Psycho and had gay affairs with many leading Hollywood personalities of the 1960s?