Dear Mrs Michele Bachmann, ex-candidate for the Republican Party nomination for the Presidency of the United States and current Congresswoman for the state of Minnesota,
I am just dropping you a line to say how sorry I am that you’ve had to pull out of the race to win your party’s nomination for the presidential elections of 2012. After all that hard work you put into ensuring that the women who want abortions, the gays, and the people who can’t afford private health care know just how bad they are, it must be galling to have received only 5% of the vote. In your home state. And behind Rick Perry (who, you’ll remember, appeared in that gay, Brokeback Mountain-inspired campaign ad with background music by well-known homosexual, Aaron Copland. Disgusting). I must say I was touched (and almost shed a tear) when, in your withdrawal speech earlier today, you thanked so graciously the state of Iowa for its love and support during your short-lived campaign, when I’m sure all you really wanted to do was to get your favourite AR-15 semi-automatic rifle out and teach them all how much God loves them.
It was certainly a strong campaign and you never once wavered from your message, ensuring that the 5% of Iowans who were listening to you knew exactly what you thought about abortion, marriage and healthcare. What a voice of reason you have been amongst a cacophony (that means a harsh, discordant mixture of sounds) (discordant means disagreeable to the ear) of crazy people voices. Who else in America these days is asking questions like this about abortion: “Does that mean that someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night mom and dad are none the wiser?” And who else is picking up on the fact that the judicial system of the United States is forcing young children to become gay: “And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.” You should feel proud that you’re asking the important questions and making the important points. Even if only 5% of people are listening to you.
Now, Michele, I don’t want you to be disheartened that you didn’t succeed in securing your party’s nomination, and to start feeling that nobody likes you and that you are constantly making yourself look like an uneducated fool. You need to draw down deep on that faith of yours and remember that God has a plan for you. But I know sometimes it can be hard to hear Him talk and, unless God is going to give you another earthquake as a sign to let you know He’s there, it might take you a while to hear what He’s saying. So, let me help you out a bit. As someone who used to bend the Almighty’s ear quite a bit, I think I have an idea what the plan might be. I suspect it involves you diving back into Congressional politics with a vengeance, voting against all those heinous socialist policies that are designed to extend basic human rights to all citizens of America and shooting lots of pheasants in Sioux City with that favourite combat rifle of yours. Or something like that. Does that seem like a good plan? I’m sure you think it is. You should make sure you tell God so He can organise it (assuming He’s among the 5% of people who listen to you, that is).
Well, I’d better leave this letter of condolence for the dying embers of your very short campaign here. Thank you for being a voice in the wilderness, to which you will now, inevitably, have to return. As you said in your resignation speech earlier, you made a “very important contribution”to the race and we can all ponder over many years to come what exactly that was.
P.S. I wrote to your husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, a few days ago, but haven’t received a reply. Is he OK? Please tell him not to be too upset that he won’t get to remodel the White House. And, if he gets low, remind him that, even if the country didn’t want him, he’ll always be your First Lady.