The following document was leaked today. It gives a fascinating insight into the running of the Vatican City and how its most powerful leaders view current world threats.
ASSESSMENT OF CURRENT THREATS TO VATICAN CITY &
FAO: Pope Ben and other less important mortals.
Not FAO: Berlusconi.
Assessment of current threats to the safety and security of the Vatican City and humanity itself:
UPRISINGS IN NORTH AFRICA
Over the last year there have been uprisings in several north African countries in which ordinary people have started to fight for democracy, sometimes with bloody and violent results. It is the decision of the Venerable Wise Council of Wise Catholics of the Wisest Holy Order of the Vatican City that these uprisings pose little or no threat to the Vatican City and no threat whatsoever to humanity itself. The people involved in the uprisings are not Catholic. A lot of them belong to one of the other religions (Note to Ben: That’s Islam. They’re the ones who don’t eat pork and believe there’s only one God. Not to be confused with the Jews) and, by revolting as they are, are managing only to damage Islam’s reputation in the world.
Is there a danger that anti-Islamic sentiment could spread to Christianity?
No. Everyone knows that Christians would never involve themselves in slaughter and bloodshed.
LEVEL OF THREAT TO VATICAN CITY: None (Christians do not get involved in these sorts of things).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO HUMANITY ITSELF: None (except for those human persons who get killed. Note to Ben: Express concern and sorrow about these deaths at all times, but remind everyone that if they’d been Catholics they’d be in Heaven now).
Despite the death last year of Osama Bin Laden, terrorists continue to exist on our Earth. Last year saw terrorist attacks in Pakistan, Afghanistan and some other places. It is the decision of the Venerable Wise Council of Wise Catholics of the Wisest Holy Order of the Vatican City that these terrorists pose little or no threat to the Vatican City and only a marginal threat to humanity itself. No terrorists will try to blow up the Vatican City, mainly because it’s so small they cannot find it. And if they do succeed in finding us, our emergency plan to cover the Welcome to Vatican City. Home of the Pope sign with the one that reads You are now entering San Marino. NOT where the Pope lives, will offer us complete protection (It always worked with Berlusconi).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO VATICAN CITY: None (there are enough Pope Mobiles to evacuate all 12 residents if the worst comes to the worst).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO HUMANITY ITSELF: Low (except for those human persons who get killed. Note to Ben: Express concern and sorrow about these deaths at all times, but remind everyone that, on the whole, the majority of the victims of terrorism are poor and live in countries where people die like this all the time).
The economies of many major countries are on the verge of collapse. There is high unemployment the world over and the Euro is about to fold. It is the decision of the Venerable Wise Council of Wise Catholics of the Wisest Holy Order of the Vatican City that the collapse of the world economy poses little or no threat to the Vatican City and only a marginal threat to humanity itself
. Whatever happens to the world economy, the Vatican City will continue to receive its annual donations from the Church’s 1.1 billion faithful followers. Or else they will go to Hell (Note to Ben:
Tell the Church’s 1.1 billion faithful followers they will go to Hell if they don’t give us money. Especially the poor ones). There is no need for us to worry about how we will continue to fund Pope Ben’s free bus pass and where we will find the money to heat the Papal chambers. If things do deteriorate, we can always rack up the price to enter the Basilica (Note to Ben:
The suggestion mooted last week to charge Sunday worshippers for a pew has, ultimately, been rejected as a step too far. The proposal to start re-selling Indulgences
is, however, still very much on the table).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO VATICAN CITY: None (It’s simply a question of piling on the guilt. And, in this area, we have some expertise).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO HUMANITY ITSELF: Medium (Some economies may collapse, even Italy’s. This could cause some hardship for poor people, but would provide an excellent opportunity to remind governments and people that if they had been donating money to the Catholic Church, instead of squandering it on food, education and entertainment, then the world would be a better place, and God would like them more. Note to Ben: Tell people this).
Last year, several countries legalised same-sex marriage, or vowed to begin a process of consultation, with the aim of legalising it in the years to come. There are countries in the world (and not just in Crazy People Land. Note to Ben: that’s America) in which two men or two women have been able to marry for years! The normally level-headed Scandinavians, for example, have been allowing homos to tie the knot for ages. It never ceases to amaze what these Protestants will get up to when you leave them alone for a few hundred years! It is the decision of the Venerable Wise Council of Wise Catholics of the Wisest Holy Order of the Vatican City that gay marriage poses a GINORMOUS threat to the Vatican City and the greatest threat to humanity itself that the world HAS EVER KNOWN. If gay people are allowed to marry then the world MIGHT AS WELL EXPLODE (which would be kind of good, because we would all get to go to Heaven, but a bit sad too). (Note to Ben: some members of the press may suggest that gay marriage will not lead to the world’s demise as it is already allowed in some countries and the world is still here. Ignore them). Once gay people are married, they will want to have children, and even own houses together and have pets and cars. If they do this, there will be none left for the normal people, and that’s JUST NOT FAIR. Also, if we allow gay people to marry, then they will start claiming other rights that we enjoy and they, for their own good, do not. We may even start our descent down the slippery slope towards having gays in the Catholic Church. We all know that there are no gays in the Catholic Church (Note to Ben: some members of the press may dispute this. Ignore them), but, if we allow gays to marry, our churches could be overrun.
LEVEL OF THREAT TO VATICAN CITY: VERY EXTREMELY HIGH (Mainly because gays are evil. Period).
LEVEL OF THREAT TO HUMANITY ITSELF: THE GREATEST THREAT HUMANITY HAS EVER KNOWN (All life on Earth will (possibly) end if gays are allowed to marry).
It is the opinion of the Venerable Wise Council of Wise Catholics of the Wisest Holy Order of the Vatican City that we have nothing to fear from the bloody Arab uprisings; terrorists who are willing to destroy buildings and lives (including their own) at the drop of a hat; and the utter collapse of the world economy and the worldwide panic and pandemonium that that would cause. It is, however, our opinion that allowing two people of the same sex who are very much in love to marry is A THREAT TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE. All of the Vatican’s efforts in 2012 should be put into countering the growing dangerous trend towards extending equal rights to those who don’t deserve them.
Note to Ben: This document is highly secret. To avoid it falling into the wrong hands, please do not use it to write your shopping list or to mop up any of your little accidents again.