Doubles? Anyone?

Dear Reverend Margaret Court, Pastor of Victory Life Centre, Perth, Australia and record-breaking former pro-tennis player,

I am dropping you a quick line to thank you for the remarks you made recently concerning the sanctity of marriage in your beloved Australia.  It’s high time that someone of your standing and intelligence stood up for the beleaguered straight people of this world.  There just haven’t been enough people of late reminding us about the utter horror that will beset us all if we continue to let the gays get married to the ones they love.  There are simply not enough people of faith with the guts these days to stand up and be counted as anti-gay and utterly homophobic.  Well done to you for leaving no-one in any doubt whatsoever that you are both of these.

In your remarks, you state quite clearly that your beautiful country is suffering from a moral decline.  I am very sorry to hear this, but not at all surprised, to be honest.  Watching Neighbours in the late 1990s I could see already that the country would soon go to wrack and ruin, what with Toadfish Rebechhi chucking water bombs at Billy Kennedy and Brett Stark refusing to cut the abominable helmet hairstyle he insisted on sporting.  I could tell that it was only a matter of time before Australia would fall head over heels down the slippery slope towards complete moral degradation.  But, interestingly, I had no idea it would be entirely the fault of the gays!  I simply did not imagine that they would become so dangerous.

But dangerous, it would appear, they are – practically lethal, in fact.  Teaching Australia’s children that people should be allowed to live and let live and be respected and loved for whoever they are (or teaching them that “anything goes”, as you so eloquently put it) – this is dangerous stuff!  And encouraging your leaders to “lean toward” a situation in which they have equal rights with you – this is clearly something to fear and fear it, I can tell, you do.

I feel so sorry for you that your normal, straight lifestyle is under such threat.  How awful it would be for you to live in a country in which all citizens share the same rights, regardless of whether or not they believe in your god.  Everybody knows, surely, that the best rights are reserved for those who believe that God made them better than others!  You are wise to warn the people of Australia that the marriage of one man to another man or one woman to another woman may well soon cause God to “take his hand off [y]our nation”, leaving the lights to go out.  I’m sure there are many Australians who go through life imagining God to be caring and kind, so you are right to let them know that it is you and your fellow evangelical Christians who decide who God is caring and kind towards, not Him.

At one point in your remarks, you say that society has taken the easy way out by telling homosexuals that they are normal and deserve the same rights as everyone else.  It’s not surprising really, I guess, when gays are such an extremely dangerous bunch.  Who could be expected to have the courage to stand up to them and remind them that they are inferior when they have the power to destroy life as we know it simply by getting married?  If they can cause God to forever remove Australia from the list of places He likes to chill, there’s no imagining what else they could do.  It is, quite simply, as you wisely point out, “minorities…making it harder for the majority”.  It didn’t used to be anywhere near so difficult to discriminate against a minority, did it?  I feel your pain.

Anyways, that’s about all I have to say.  I hope you enjoyed my letter and that it will spur you on in your quest to rid the world of homosexuals and their Machiavellian schemings to take it over and destroy it for ever (or to get married, as I think they like to call it).


P.S.  I used to be an evangelical Christian, like yourself, but then I decided my life could be better spent helping people.

P.P.S. I didn’t used to be a professional female tennis player.  Just in case you were wondering.