2015: A Gay Old Lesson

The tinsel is tarnished and the baubles battered. The reheated sprouts are no longer fit for human consumption and dad’s still asleep on the sofa. Christmas is over. And with the passing of Christmas comes the end of the year; a time when we reflect on what has been and what will be.

Yes, in just a few days’ time, the year in which Madonna fell over; the year in which we almost ran out of prosecco; and the year in which Canada elected a 44 year old, boxing, former teacher with amazing hair as Prime Minister, will be over. 2016 looms ahead of us in the murky distance like a Beijing skyscraper on a summer’s day, and with its approach it’s only right that we should look back and reflect on what we have learnt this year. And what a bumper year of lessons it has been. As well as learning that capes and Velcro are a match made in heaven; that Cava tastes just as bad as we always thought it did; and that Canadian Just For Men seems to work a lot better than the UK version, we have been taught an awful lot about a lot of things. And one of the hot topics has this year been, yet again, the gays. Yes, 2015 has been another bumper year for lessons about gay people. We’ve learnt what they’re good for, responsible for, looking for, planning to do and much more. As in previous years, many of these lessons have been delivered by illustrious people whose job it is to stand behind podiums. Here are just three of the lessons about gay people that we learned in 2015:

Lesson 1: If you want to turn gay, get arrested.

Yes, that’s right, back in March the esteemed Dr Ben Carson, currently a candidate for the Republican nomination for the presidential election in 2016, taught us that gay men have infiltrated the US prison network and are changing straight prisoners into gay ones.

The extremely well-educated (Yale and Michigan Medical School), former Director of Paediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Maryland, explained the scientific reasoning behind his thinking thus:

“Because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight – and when they come out, they’re gay.”

I don’t know about you, but that’s proof enough for me. It’s amazing what we can learn from our betters, those clever, logical, clear-thinking people who run large, important institutions (like hospitals) and want to run even larger and more important things (like countries). I have to admit I had no idea that this is how people were becoming gay these days. In  my day, you slipped a bit of I should be so lucky into your Walkman and flicked through the men’s underwear section of the Next catalogue. How times change!

Lesson 2: Gay people cause unemployment.

This salutary lesson was taught to us by another candidate for the Republican nomination: Jeb Bush, brother of the highly-acclaimed 43rd President of the United States, George Bush (the man who proved that not being able to speak in intelligible sentences is no bar to holding the most important job in world politics). Brother Jeb taught us that when gay men and women choose to marry it puts people out of work. And by “people” he meant anti-gay Christians.

Back in March, this is how the arguably-slightly-more-intelligent-than-his-older-brother Jeb Bush expressed it:

“…out of their [anti-gay Christians’] faith [they] may want to act on their faith and may not be able to be employed, for example or may not want to provide services for a gay wedding.”

Another clear, well-explained thought from the Bush family, I’m sure you’ll agree; an important lesson for gay people about how they shouldn’t ask homophobic Christians to bake their wedding cakes because then the Christians will have to say no and when they say no they won’t have any work and will be unemployed, which they wouldn’t have been if they’d said yes in the first place but they couldn’t say yes because that would have meant helping to make gay people happy and that is bad. Simple. It’s been a really tough year for homophobic Christians in the USA, of course, with the Supreme Court ruling in June that the fundamental right of gay people to marry is protected by the Constitution.

At this time of year, we should spare a thought for all of those American homophobes who face unemployment now and in the coming years because they can’t bring themselves to bake a bride-bride cake or to dye a few lilies pink. Let’s hope that in 2016 we can all take Jeb’s message to its logical conclusion and not ask Christian homophobes to bake our wedding cakes or do our flowers, because if we do they will have to say no and will, consequently, lose out on vital employment (Although…by not asking them in the first place don’t they still lose out on the employment? Damn Bushian logic – I never understood it the first time round).

Lesson 3: If you want to see Jesus (before you die), move to America.

Yes that’s right. Jesus is coming to America. Well, more specifically, the world as a whole, and soon. And, according to former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, it’s because of the gays. In April (and pretty much every other month of the year), Michele told us that the Rapture is coming, partly because of the US’s acceptance of gay marriage. [For the uninitiated, the Rapture is around the time when Jesus comes back to earth and all dead Christians (along with the live ones) are raised out of their graves to literally meet God in the air].

Former Congresswoman Bachmann explained is like this back in April:

“We in our lifetimes potentially could see Jesus Christ returning to earth and the rapture of the church. These are wonderful times but we see the destruction. But, this is a destruction that was foretold.”

Michele went on to explain that the reason for the imminent rapture is because Barack Obama has been mean to Israel and nice to Iran. Oh, and way too nice to the gays. She told listeners to the Understanding the End Times radio programme that gay marriage (amongst other things) had made the US a pagan country and was the reason why America was losing the “hedge of protection” that God had built around it to thank the Founding Fathers for being Christians.

Michele didn’t seem quite so sad about losing the God hedge as I might be in her position. In fact, she was positively excited about being raised up into the air to meet Jesus, and so I think we should follow her example and rejoice that the gays are hastening the son of God’s arrival. The sooner he comes, the sooner we can all go the party place whilst Michele dangles in the air playing her harp.

 

And there you have it: three lessons we learned this year about the gays. Who knew we were quite so dangerous? There were many more lessons that could have been included, of course, but there are only so many hours in a day and only so much time the gays can devote to reading a recap-of-the-year article before they have to go out and turn straight prisoners gay and cause wide scale unemployment amongst Christians.

So I’ll leave it here in the hope that 2016 is as full of important lessons as 2015 was. How else are we gays supposed to know what havoc we leave in our fabulous wake? Happy New Year one and all!