A wolf in Trump clothing

Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, President Putin, fellow Americans who supported me and people of the world, thank you.

We, the citizens of America and Russia are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild my business and restore its promise for all of our people.

Together, we will very bigly determine the course of the Trump Organization throughout the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges. We will confront hardships when gold plating the White House, but we will get the job done. Every four years we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of Twitter accounts. And we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for all their gracious tweets throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Almost as magnificent as mine. Thank you.
Today’s ceremony however, has very special meaning, because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to my family or from one party to my family, but we are transferring power from Washington, DC. And giving it back to my family.

For too long, a small group (called politicians) in our nation’s capital have reaped the salary that comes with being a politician while people have borne the cost, by paying taxes. Washington flourished, but the people who did not live there and were not politicians did not share in its wealth, only the wealth of the places where they lived and the jobs they had. Politicians prospered period, but the jobs left (all the jobs, literally all of them) and Trump University closed. The establishment protected itself but not the citizens of our country (which is why we all bought guns). Their victories, like providing universal health care, have not been your victories. Their triumphs, like providing equal marriage for all Americans, have not been your triumphs and while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families working in Trump hotels all across our land.

That all changes starting right here and right now, because this moment is your moment (mine). It belongs to you (me). It belongs to everyone gathered here today (except You Know Whollary) and everyone watching all across America, which is the world. This is your day (mine). This is your celebration (mine). And this, the United States of America, is your country (mine).

What truly matters is not what truly controls our government but whether our government is controlled by my supporters. January 20, 2017 will be remembered as the day my supporters became the rulers of this nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer, whoever they are.
Everyone is listening to you now. You came by the tens of tens to become part of a historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the centre of this movement is a crucial conviction, that a nation exists to serve my family. Americans want great schools for my children, safe neighbourhoods for my family and good jobs for my children.

These are just and reasonable demands of righteous people and a righteous public. But for too many of my citizens, a different reality exists. Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities (Key West, Toronto…); rusted-out factories, scattered like Trump casinos across the landscape of our nation; an education system flush with cash but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge (but not the old, ugly ones, who do well). And the crime and the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much potential Trump workforce.

This American carnage stops right here and stops right now (after the weekend). We are one nation and their pain is painful. Their dreams are dreamful and their success will be successful, like my casinos. We share one heart, one home (some of us have 12) and one glorious destiny. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans and Russians. For many decades, we have enriched foreign industry at the expense of American and Russian industry, subsidised the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military, which I almost once served in.
We have defended other nations’ borders while refusing to defend our own against marauding Mexicanians. And spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas while my company’s infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength and confidence of Trump University has dissipated over the horizon.

One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores with not even a thought about the millions and millions more dollars I could have earned. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed to my family. But that is the past and now we are looking only to the future money.

We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city in every foreign capital and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new family will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only Trump first, then America first, then Trump first. Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs will be made to benefit Trump supporters and Trump families (and Russia). We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making my products, stealing my companies and destroying my jobs.

Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for myself with every breath in my body. And I will never ever let myself down.

America will start whining again, whining like never before. We will bring back our jobs from everywhere in the world. We will bring back our borders, which are literally everywhere. We will bring back my wealth. And we will bring back Miss World.

We will build new Trump roads and Trump highways and Trump bridges and Trump airports and Trump tunnels and Trump railways all across our wonderful nation. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work, rebuilding our country with only American hands and only American labor (and Melania).

We will follow two simple rules: buy American (or Russian) and hire American (or Russian). We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world, but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all Presidents to put his own interests first. We do not seek to impose the Trump way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example. We will shine for everyone to follow.

We will reinforce old alliances with literally many countries and literally form new ones and reform the world against radical unregistered tanning salons which we will eradicate from the face of the earth. At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America and Russia and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to me.

When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is to own slaves and stone adulterers. We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue the conviction and incarceration of my opponents. When America is united, Russia is totally unstoppable.

There should be no fear. My supporters are protected and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement. And most importantly, we will be protected by God – a great man, a really great man. Literally one of the greatest men in the world. After me. Fact!

Finally, we must think bigly and dream even biggerly. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long it is striving to build more Trump Towers. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining on Twitter, but never stopping to do anything about it.

The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action (now as in Monday morning). Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail to sell more of Melania’s jewelry via the Gold House website.

Our country will thrive and prosper again. We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of my tan, to free the earth from the miseries of hair dye disasters and harness the energies, industries and technologies of my children.

A new national pride will stir ourselves, lift our sights and heal our divisions. It’s time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget, that whether we are black or brown or white or Russian, we all bleed the same red blood of Trumpatriots.

We all enjoy the same glorious freedoms. And we all salute the same great American dollar. And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Alaska or the wind-swept plains of Maine, they look at the same night sky. They fill their heart with the same dreams and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty creator.

So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words, you will never be ignored again on Twitter, especially if you criticise my hair.

My voice, my hopes and my dreams will define our American destiny. And my courage, goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again.

We will make America safe again. And yes, together, we will make America Russian again. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. Thank you. God bless America.