Mission Impossible

Dear Mrs Linda Harvey, Founder and President of Mission:America,

It’s me again! I’ve written to you a couple of times in the past (once about a book you wrote giving us “Another View” on homosexuality and once about the difficulties you face as a Christian finding places to shop that dislike gays as much as you do). Both of these letters did not receive a reply, but I am totally OK with that. I understand entirely that you are a very busy woman. You run Mission:America, a slightly cheaper version of the Thunderbirds, which, instead of hunting down evil, world-dominating megalomaniacs, scans the media night and day for any trace of evil, world-dominating gays and their infamous Agenda. They do seem to pop up with alarming frequency in the media so no wonder you are kept terribly busy, which brings me neatly to my reason for writing to you.

Today, I read your article on LifeSiteNews entitled Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade features lesbians kissing in which you expressed your horror at turning on NBC’s coverage of the Thanksgiving Day Parade last Thursday to find that it featured two girls kissing, in an extract from the Broadway musical, ‘The Prom’. Upon reading your article, I was impressed by your soaring rhetoric and powerful language (“whitewashed depravity” is a personal favourite) but more than that I was impressed by the fact that after 27 long, tiring years fighting against the tide of human progress and common decency, you still manage to spot the pernicious Gay Agenda when it creeps onto our TV screens. And you still feel it’s your job to tell us all about it. Lesser people would have given up the fight long ago in the face of equal marriage and increased legal and social acceptance of gays. And some people might call your continuing mission foolhardy, pointless or the most-bigoted-and-homophobic-thing-you-could-possibly-be-doing-with-your-life but still you carry on. Still, 27 years after you founded Mission:America, no oily gay slips through your fingers. It’s quite something! And so, if you don’t mind, I’d like to run through some of my favourite parts of your article as a sort of tribute to your tenacity in the face of being totally wrong. 

Arguably, the high point comes at the beginning when you ram home the message about gays ruining everything by explaining how you “weren’t allowed to enjoy” the Ohio State marching band at the opening of the parade because the “incessant homosexual agenda” was being “thrust into [your] face”. Any amount of thrusting of an agenda into anyone’s face can be an incredibly uncomfortable experience and I am not  at all surprised that you were outraged by it. Might I be so bold as to suggest that, in future, one way to avoid a thrusting agenda might be to hold a Bible in front of your face. Hiding behind the Bible is a tried and tested method for fighting the Gay Agenda. I learnt that in church.

Next in your article comes the crux of the issue, the real reason why gays kissing is so bad: the children (for god’s sake, the children!). You point out that “possibly millions” of children were watching when the Gay Agenda was thrust so vigorously at the screen by the kissing lesbians and decry the “corruption” being wreaked upon these young minds by the producers of the parade as they seek to normalise “decadence”. You hearken back to a time when broadcasters showed respect for “youthful innocence”, a time when, essentially, good white Christian people decided which other good white Christian people would appear on TV, and who doesn’t miss those days? And you express your sadness that Americans nowadays must monitor every influence on children, “even within our own homes”. I can only offer sympathy here, Linda. Allowing children to grow up watching scenes of acceptance, tolerance and diversity is far removed from your vision of Christian love, I know. It must be a real struggle. But an even bigger struggle is accepting the fact that it’s harder these days for bigoted parents to raise their children to be as narrow-minded as they are. I feel for you.

[Just whilst we’re on the issue of children being corrupted by what they see on TV, I couldn’t help but notice that there’s another agenda being thrust in their faces, which may be even more harmful than the Gay Agenda. It’s something you might want to look into alongside your work defeating homosexuality. It’s called the Trump Agenda. This agenda involves a man in a wig appearing on TV and Twitter calling people offensive things such as “dopey”, “truly weird”, “pathetic, “low class slob”, “perv sleazebag”, “bimbo” and “basket case” and highlighting how much he likes assaulting women. As part of the agenda, he’s the President of the United States. I’m sure you agree, as a good Christian woman, that the language and demeanour of the Trump Agenda are something that all children should be protected from and I look forward to reading an article from you about how we can do that. By the way, just in case you haven’t been made aware, there is someone on the internet pretending to be you. They’ve written an article – in your name – that fails to condemn Donald Trump’s unchristian language and behaviour,  fails to point out how much of a corrupting influence he is on children and says that he “displays many strengths important to a presidency”. You may want to get your lawyers onto this as you wouldn’t want anyone thinking you’re a hypocrite.]

Towards the end of the article, you really hit your stride, describing the Gay Agenda as an “airborne infection” that is “suddenly everywhere”. Nowhere is that explosion of the Gay Agenda more obvious than on Broadway, and thank goodness we have you to point it out to us. Suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere we have the musical, ‘The Prom’, portraying love between two human beings of the same sex. “Where did that come from?!” I can almost hear you screech between the lines of text. And my answer would be, “I know, right?” It’s a slippery slope we’re embarking on. One minute it’s a musical about two lesbians defying their school’s anti-gay prom ban, the next it’s a musical about a factory making shoes for, I don’t know, drag queens. Or a musical about a gay nightclub manager in, say, St Tropez, dealing with his son’s homophobic in-laws. Or a musical about three drag queens travelling around somewhere like Australia in a camper van. I know it sounds far-fetched, but it could happen! Think of the children. How well-adjusted, accepting and kind they might grow up to be if they’re exposed to the Gay Agenda in this way. Thank goodness they have you trying to stop that from happening.

You end your article by saying how “grieved” you are for America and how you “mourn the simple sweetness of mom/dad families”. And then, on a somewhat sombre note, you tell us that “things are about to get much worse”. I’m not quite sure what you mean by this last statement but I can only assume you’ve heard that there are other gay musicals in the pipeline. As for your grief over the loss of “mom/dad families”, I can offer more certain understanding and comfort: “mom/dad families” still exist.

It’s been an absolute delight writing to you again, Linda. Don’t worry if you can’t find the time to reply; I know a lot of your time is taken up with boycotting Macy’s. I’m sure that giant of the retail world is quaking in its kinky boots at the thought that Linda Harvey won’t be shopping there again. One day you’ll bring them down!

I hope you have a happy, wholesome Christmas with no Gay Agenda to mar your TV viewing. Just in case you do happen to come across a positive representation of gay people on TV this holiday season, I recommend you follow this advice: hold up your Bible to shield your face, scream “Think of the children!” as loudly as you can until you almost lose your voice, then go and lock yourself in a darkened room with no TV or internet access for a very, very long time. 

Happy holidays!